You Are Enough. Don’t Let Anyone Tell You Otherwise.
I never felt…enough. Especially for my mother. I spent most of my adult life trying to be enough for her…for everyone. But everyone seemed to want more than I could give. I was always anxious and felt that I was chasing after something I could not see. And I know, feeling this way, I’m not alone. It took me a while to realize I was enough as I am, and that’s when I started to live. I hope these life lessons I pass on might inspire others to do the same.
First Things First: Please Yourself, Not Others
I had a wise college counselor ask me a simple question. “Why do you think you need to please your mom in order for you to feel that you are enough?”
That question changed my life.
She was right, of course. My family had been smuggled out of China into the United States when I was only nine, and no one worked harder than my mother — she actually bought the factory she labored in. But even given our rocky start, my mother had lived a full life — marriage, four children, and a real estate career. But while she was living, I was living in her shadow.
My counselor told me that it wasn’t being selfish to please myself first. It took me years, but later I realized she was right. I started living like I was making up for lost time—which, in a way, I was. Gone were the days when I was raising my younger brother and sister, making tea for my father’s friends, and translating the letters that came to the house. No longer was I working after school in my mom’s factory and heading to the library at night, still struggling with my English myself. These days, I was traveling to conferences and running a successful law firm. I had successful investments and an active social life that was all my own.
Most importantly, I decided to become a single mom.
Coming from a traditional Chinese background, this was a seismic decision; certainly, it was against my mother’s express wishes and dire warnings that I would embarrass the family. But for the first time, I knew what I wanted. I had accepted who I was as a person—and though I still don’t have the answers about making my mother happy, at least I make conscious decisions about my own life. The realization that I, right now, am enough, has helped me overcome difficulties and live my passion. And it’s made my relationship with my mother that much stronger.
Follow Your Heart, Not Your Conventions
I always knew I wanted to have a child. I was crushed by my failed first marriage, but told my mom that I wanted to have a baby before I turned 40. A few months before my birthday, she called and asked me how my quest was going. She meant, did I find someone I wanted to marry who also wanted to start a family. Of course not. And once again, I felt…not enough. After all, her other friends kids’ had perfect families. What was wrong with me?
But while she was living, I was living in her shadow.
But this time, my desire was clear, and it wasn’t about pleasing anyone else. I started dating, met someone, and told him I wanted to have a baby. Two months later I was pregnant and we had an amicable split — but this was enough. I was enough. My baby was everything I had ever wanted. I set to work preparing my mind, my body, and my home to welcome a child in.
My first child, Matthew, is 9 years old. He is my joy. He is a song inside me. He says “Mommy, I love you,” and my heart is full. Every day I tell him that I love him more and more. I tell him that he is enough.
Everything You ever Need Is within You
Amy, my yoga instructor, chanted this at the end of every session—and it was hard to accept. How can I have everything I need within me? But of course, that was before I was enough.
Over many years, and many more mistakes, I have learned that all my solutions lie within me. I can say, now, what sounded ridiculous before, that new challenges bring great opportunities for growth; I have grown from every one. Being enough means trusting your instincts. Before, I lacked the confidence to achieve—or even identify—my dreams, and needed others’ approval for everything. I lived with anxiety and fear that I would always be lacking, that I was not good enough, smart enough, caring enough, tall enough—the list goes on and on.
But the realization that everything is inside me gave me an emotional amulet I could carry everywhere. I remember feeling happy and comforted each time my baby kicked inside my belly, telling me how well he was growing. My body provided him with everything that he needed. And that was enough.
And I am enough. And I can live my life by following my own path, not clearing the brush from someone else’s. And this is my message to you: find your enough inside you, and start really living.
Cheers!
